from claude

Ray,

it is hard to find the words that would translate at what level i thank you for your honest May 2nd email/post mentioning eating, trans, sexual identity and love. it is reassuring to hear that you are cautious with the word “love”. it makes me feel safe. i have tears in my eyes as i realize how much i have felt betrayed by this word when it has been said while contradicted by body language that screamed something different. and now it is my turn to reflect on my use of the word as i also have trouble with self-love. i have these winds around my spine, that i am getting to know and release sometimes, but they make my heart/spirit/trust/love disappear in a landscape where there is no self-love, only fear and terror.

i like our new phone habits. i really like to be allowed to spontaneously call you. we spoke three times i think.  your offer yesterday to smudge for my friend S just blew my mind and was so welcome. after we spoke, it felt that my air was thicker with existence and potential and S and i had a productive conversation. thank you Ray.

i am so glad that things are rolling for you again. congratulations on the hard work to arrive at that again.

here two recordings. tell me please which one you prefer and why, if you know.

 

à bientôt,

claude


from Ray

Insulin plant -Claude – I got the insulin plant in the post yesterday. – thank you – I potted it today. Am continuing on my portrait project and continue to make turtles. I am in good spirits. things are starting to roll again, All the best

– All the best, Claude- respect with affection – ray


from Ray

feeling divided – a response – I feel divided a lot of the time too. its because my focus is split because of this underlying anxiety that is caused by the depression, (from trauma and old issues from my past) Also i am moving slowly in our relationship because i am still being cautious because this is my first relationship with a trans person at this depth. I know other trans people, but only on the surface and not with this level of vulnerability and honesty. I am still struggling with my sexual identity at this late date. I know you refer to my strength of spirit. but at this time I am learning, so much about recovery through Overeaters Anonymous which is a spiritual program I am learning (awkwardly) about my higher power. You know yourself well and you bravely say love and dear you. Goodness i am only now, unlearning and relearnng to love myself . So its hard to say i love you with any degree of peace and serenity.

 

Thank you for searching out the ‘insulin’ plant – I will certainly try it. And thank you for your friendship – with affection and respect – Ray

from claude

Ray,

i really keep our chat on the phone in my ears and heart. thank you for that.

after we spoke, i went to pick some nettle in a park not far from where i live and the next day gave some to an artist friend living close to me. it was some kind of exchange for the toilet paper he buys for me when he buys some for himself. carrying big package of toilet paper on my bicycle is not very handy….

he and i spoke about what nettle does to the body and then, he shared with me that another artist, dear friend of mine too, gave his partner an “insulin plant” she had brought back from Colombia. he explained to me that the leaves help stabilize sugar levels. i have no idea if it could be of any benefit for you, but i could not help thinking that this sequence of event had some kind of meaning.

so, today, i found a rhizome on the net that will be sent to you. maybe you will have the desire to plant it in a pot and let some leaves grow and then try one to see what it does to you. maybe it won’t feel right and you won’t.

with love,

claude


from claude

Ray,

thank you for writing. i am as faithful as a dog in friendships, so, i am here. my last post said something about reaching the limit of this friendship on a blog and this was about the limitation of the blog, not the limits of my/our friendship. unfortunately i am physically far, so, please, if you would like a phone call let me know.

i think of you with the same endless respect for your power of spirit.

claude


from Ray

Lack of communication Claude I am sorry that this has taken so long. My sugars are off for some time now – which has triggered a depression. all areas of my life are affected, including

reaching out to you  I don’t know what to ask of you. I do care about you and i hope we can remain friends. and i do know that you care about me  

 
All the best – ray

from claude

dear Ray,

your silence worries me. something must be going on. i am far and my imagination loops and can’t produce any sustainable and reasonable way to reach you and be there with what i could be for you. Ray, do you need something? fuck. it feels ridiculous to ask this question on a blog. fuck. i feel we have reached the limits of a friendship on a blog.

i love you Ray.

claude


from claude

Ray, i feel far away from you.

Ray, i do not know how you are doing.

Ray, it feels like nothing can buffer the physical distance between you and me. life is not easy here and must not be there either, and maybe it also seems to you that it is shrinking to the necessities of the local to an absurd point where even the local is not possible anymore.

Ray, i am going to meditate soon and salute the 4 directions.

Ray, i am ok, not dying of covid, so i am grateful for that.

claude