thank you for your sharing, your wishes and your curiosity about me. please receive my whispers of good and peaceful wishes for you for the year to come.
i just had a few rough days and i am not out yet, but i can write to you tonight. i will share just a very few things about being trans and will be super happy to share more in my next posts.
for me being trans is having had the best week of my life ever in Montréal in 2017 where i went for top surgery. it was pure bliss. i had prepared my journey quite a bit before and was sure i had made the right choice. i had also honoured my breasts through some rituals, but the clarify of soul when in Montréal carried me unbelievably powerfully and gently. i remember my tears of joy in the elevator to the operation room and i joked with the anesthesiologist right up until she pressed her liquid in and i fell under. and then, i had the best care ever from 2 friends for a full week and also from other people when i came back to Toronto.
being trans is a spiritual journey.
being trans, for me, also comes with quite a bit of social discomfort, partly because i inject T at small dosages and look kind of in-between female and male. and it comes with family pain. the family pain is way more complex than only about my gender, but since end of years over and over force me to face a murky although very volatile darkness more than at other times, here is my poem of today.
January 2nd, 2021
food? yes, i am here.
roof? yes, i am here.
bed, i am terrified. do you hear me? no reply
bicycle, do you have a heart? no reply
mom? no reply
dad, que l’année 2021 te soit “bonne” dans tout ce que ceci peut signifier. Que les bonnes choses coulent vers toi. Pour ton coeur, ton corps, ton âme, tes pensées, tes relations avec les autres. Pour mami aussi. Je vous aime.” no reply.
brother? no reply
“family”? no reply
sadness? yes, i am here, hidden because you can’t hold me fully.
shame? yes, i am here and you can see me when your body fades away.
heart? yes. i am so full of learnings i can’t process, i am almost bleeding.
mind? yes, i am looking for home. do you see my nerves extending towards the nowhere i hope is somewhere? do you see me sunk in your heart not understanding anything anymore?
soul? yes, i am here. you are raw like a roadkill. it’s ok.
East? yes, i am here with small gentle scoops to take you despair.
South? yes, black sky black water.
West? yes, soft whispers.
North? yes, there is future. you have to choose grace.
with tenderness towards you,
ps: if anybody reading us would like to communicate with us or comment privately or publicly (i can post your words?), please email us at claudesudbury at gmail dot com.